Bel’s Days

Well… i can’t sleep and did little studying so here i am again.. i really should get a proper blog now. Cara see what u got me into! haha .. after blogging earlier, i really went off to holland v coffee bean to study.. OMG! i wish i didn’t.. I was trying so hard to focus than i saw the lesbian couple in front of me french kiss! Gosh! its just wrong la!

than the bunch behind me was like laughing loudly and talk as if they are hosting a show… OMG! luckily, i did shift to a sofa sit where i finish some studying. After that, i went to granny’s where i headed straight for the bed! Granny still as loving as ever thought i was sick.. and came over to ask me am i ok.. i assured her i am just tired and lay down for a while.. I just love granny so much.. what will i do without her…=) When i woke up, it was already

8pm

so i had my dinner and watched a little tv. Although, it was just porridge, veg and some duck meat, i was very contented. Its been such a long time since i had a homecooked meal. While eating, i tot of "him" and how he don’t have homecook meals as well.. i am lucky enough i can come over to granny’s once in a while for nice food. Well.. i am typing bcoz i’m pretty sure he wont check out my blog. Moving on, i started to studying aain soon.. than i chatted with Gabriel through msg… and *poof * i ended up online again! haha seating here in the very house i grew up in talking to my good friends online, i suddenly feel like years has really fly pass.

haha was just saying and granny woke up go toilet than come ask me go sleep haha. okok.. carrying on… i was thinking of writing a poem about this house which have given me so much.. but most to the person i cannot live without.. Granny…

Dedicated to Granny: In this house

The familiar foothold of the mable flooring,
The familiar  yelling of "ah ma! ah zai!" *FYI: granny and uncle in hokkien*
The familiar touch, the familiar emotions
All this is found, no where else
but in this house.

this house which i have grown up in,
grown up with..
the relationships and memories i have here,
one that is endless..
which can be written into thousands of books..

story of my life..
shots in memory candid..
only for me to see..
but one thing stay unchange..
my granny here to stay.

yes.. she lost a few pounds,
gain a few winkles now..
but her familiar stench of smell
not one i can explain..
i miss laying on her lap..
i miss going "ah ma what u cook?" with the innocent stare..

so much has changed since i was young..
the furnitures and the mirrors and tiles..
but change is the only constant..
everyone knows..
but my love for her deepers in soul.
even though i am grown up now..
in front of her, i am still ah mei at 12..

i don’t like to think that she may leave..
though its life’s course, nature’s bliss
that she will age and go to some place,
a place which i will go one day..
call me selfish i dun care..
for now i just want my granny not dere..
staying here, living here..
forever with me she’ll stay, until the end of days.

childish thinking yes i know..
but with love so deep u cannot toil..
not with money, not ever with time.
my granny is priceless.
That i won’t hide.

For all things here matters..
all things here stays..
in the room of my memory..
I will live my days.

Even the stench of ciggrates,
my uncle companied..
each time I smell it.. I know its him to be.
nobody else can replace it… not even my daddy..

Even the loud laughter of my auntie..
that makes me in shock as I studied..
I laugh along with it..

The loud radio that signals my other uncle,
the out of tune singing..
it is perfect in my mind.
gotta used to it..

So now u see how much it means to me,
in this little house I call granny’s

Well.. i am kinda bored because i gotta get to my revision for JSPG soon.. eeee… java just sucks… oh well.. carrying on.. i thought i would just blog before i head on to Holland v coffee bean coz my westmall coffee bean will be pack with pang wei bo fans today =.=. Hm… maybe stay over at granny’s… not bad idea.. sorry .. my thoughts are kinda straying.. its afternoon DUH! hahaha

Yesterday, i went back to school in the evening to print out the JSPg slides and examples … and OMG! so many la!!! What Cara said was right.. really print till tomorrow man! When cara came over and saw the stack of notes i have on the table, she was super turned off.. instant =.= Haaha.. so as expected, i gave up too and we went off.. on our way out of the library, we ran into ah boon.. i had already had my share of "Ahboon!!!! so long nv see you la!!! miss you man!!!" talk as i had ran into him on my way up to "er mei shan". He enthu-lly shoke cara’s hand, for a moment there i tot he was going to end up with her hand.. so violenT!!! haha… than we chat and i couldn’t  stop laughing becoz ah boon keep doing the quick head turning thing than like he kanna smack by unknown force like that.. so stupid la hahaha..

Moving on.. We still had time to spare, till i meet my family for dinner so we went to the clubroom. Inside, yonghe, a freshie whom looked by my NPCC pal jeremy and adolf were inside. =p i whispered to cara say i understand why boon got no response from them.. *inside joke* haha .. Yh and freshie were watching naruto =.= and adolf doing something with this laptop. So we sat down and talk.. when i started to complain nv see "him", Cara told me about her dream that she and "him" was in a term than she was like so scare i will get angry.. but i assured her its ok.. even if she was really with him i won’t mind. As long as she is happy.. she went : "with mr blackface??? ehhh no comments!" haha… she and her nicknames for the guys! haha i got a few too but now i nv look le..

When Mark, ceed , derrick came in, we were leaving.. haiz… mark.. still so cold to me.. i really dun understand why he acts like that to me. I really miss those times when we were friends…kinda hurts but at least he is happier now.. duntalk about unhappy things.. =) we went to clementi to meet my family for dinner. While waiting , i got a cup of mango juice from the bubble tea store.. The weather is so warm.. ARGHHH.. and i was still sneezing.. -.-”’ which makes no sense.. As expected, they were all late and my brother called me.. than we met up..

During dinner, Cara was laughing a lot from seeing my dad and my brother crapping.. O.o nothing surprising! I have two immature man at home! and i love it that way WAHAHA =x Cara has really become part of my family.. been to my granny’s and now eating dinner with us.. haha as if my BF so funny..

we walked around clementi after that.. MAN!!! i almost got a new phone, if only my phone wasn’t so broken the trade in would be cheaper =.= oh well ..  about 7++pm we went off with my bro to taka to find shawn.. along the way, we talked about he and samuel.. than suddenly my bro become emo … weird!!! blah blah blah.. tons of crapping later, we alighted.. but when we went to taka, shawn knocked off already *pengs!!!* and he was with his friends *pengs x2* zzzzz ..want to surprise him one he say y we nv tell him first… (-.) Disappointed, we went off wandering around again.. ended up going to cine to find anime guy [FYI:one of our cute guys, but this one we know him] and guess who ran into… my senior from NP.. Melvin.. =.= TURNED OFF!!!he kept staring.. but lucky we were going up the escalator and he was going down.. this added to the fact i am very tire, and anime guy also nv work, i became super moodless.. go to somerset like a million times this month.. than today go to find them they never work.. Shawn and anime guy! u all suan wo men ah!!! haha .. after cara was done eating her ice cream and looking at her cute guys.. which i have no mood to notice becoz i was missing "him".. i suggested we go home .. WHAT A SURPRISE!!! i never ever ask for that! guess i just wanted to rest..

so we did.. on the bus.. i ran into vincent.. -.- walk straight line one.. nv see me.. than i msg.. msg.. and next thing i know i reached my stop.. so i bid good bye to cara… yada yada.. went online.. talk.. bath.. listen to music.. than i check friendster for fake benji till 3++ for Cara.. but to no avail.. cannot find.. strike 2! fake benji!!! can u appear already!!! cara really would like to be ur friend sia.. haiz.. fated la.. just like me and "him"

Hey yer to everyone.. first off.. let me begin by saying.. i’m sorry felix.. i know that friendster has been flooding you with my friendster blog updated e-mail but i don’t have control over that … and there is no way i will stop blogging.. so DEAL WITH IT! hahahaa..

i promise cara i will write a poem about our friendship so here i am typing… not sure where to start but here is one.

It is entitled : True Friends

In every part of my life,
People i call Friends came and left.
But i have no Regrets,
For whomever pass through my life,
i give thanks (n_n)

i give my 100% to all my friends,
no favouritism , nothing less.
to you it all change than,
because you deserve a hundred and ten.

stuck with me through thick and thin,
gave me patience and everything.
i know that this is hard to come by,
so i am sticking to you like lemon and lime.

perfect dual is what we are.
wordless connection we often abide.
completing each other’s sentence and lines..
saying the same things, at the same time
laugh it up as we rewine.
look in awe we are partners in crime!
a short 2 years, we had come close
yet we act like we are one soul.

how to live without each other now?
hard to imagine to enter this bound.
never losing a contact each day,
for now we are happy we go in one way.

"i wanna be a singer!"
—Can you sing?

"i wanna be a designer!"
—Can you Draw?

"i wanna be a hotel manager!"
—No holidays you know!

"i wanna be a teacher! now i’m Definite!"
—No money you know!

of all the times i hope and dream..
i’ve been put down..
Why can’t you support me, and praise me as well?
Since the day i got my o’levels results,
you have disapprove all i once held..
held on so dearly to my own heart
one by one you tear them apart.

—be like your brother! just try the course!
—if you can’t take it, you won’t be forced..
thats what you told me a year before.
just when i step into a new life course..
but this life road hasn’t been fair..
rocky mountains too much to bear..
but time and time again, you drew back..
from what you’ve promised and gave me despair.
discourage my thoughts and gave me dares..
time and time i sat back and stare.

i’ve tried my best, i really did.
but i’m just no good at this.
so once again i voice out..

"if i fail, i’ll leave school now.."
passing comment not what you like to hear..
— i’ve paid the fees so you better clear!

arguements stirres and we got hot..
once again, we rest at where we stopped.
discouragement and cold fights
why can’t you just listen to my side?
let me tell you all my plans..
What i want for my future, present and then…
you are always too quick to judge and speak..
never looking or listening to me.

Mummy i love you!
you should know best?!
why do you have to be nasty likee that?
burst my dreams and stab my heart..
killing me softly with the arguement part..

i know you just wish me the bestl..
but i know what i’m doing, i’ll settle the rest!
i just wanted a little support..
is that too much to ask for?
can you teach me what to do?
haven’t i given up enough so you won’t be blue?
it’s just this once, i’m asking for.
i’ve listened to u a million times more.
don’t bind me down, i’ve grown up.
i know what i’m doing just hear me out.

mummy dearest i wish you can hear..
but you don’t speak my language so thats y i tear

Today was a fuitless day .. i didn’t get any studying done.. instead.. i went on to check out blogs and di siao patrick with a dumb comment.. but really man …. i missed out a lot of details about your birthday.. like the whole gay act goin on between Samuel & my kor, Samuel playing with his food, you being a Carnivor that only eats meat like cara and you looking like 5566 meng zhe wahaha so much la.. oh and the stupid screaming and shouting during the daytona game hahaha.. kk .. back to the title..

So i didn’t study and went on to browse the net for spells.. *mind u i am not a witch i am just into this kinda stuff* sooo i tried some study spells and a charm spell which is suppose to make myself more attractive… haha dumb right? actually i dun believe but i got nothing better to do! =p

I told cara abt it and she laugh with me.. hahaha but she also wish she can use hahaha correct??? hahaha k la we check his name ok? hee hee.. =x

Than i fell asleep on my Comfy bed. When i woke up it was already 7pm so i got ready and went to fetch my mummy from work. Over at west mall i walked around and bought marshmallows.. hee.. well.. they are my favourites.

Than i tried to see if Ky is working but i couldn’t see him so i msg him. However when he reply it was pretty late. Still Crapping as much as ever.

Now At night this is when things really started to get interesting.. i talked to Cara on the phone and we were having a conversation with louis ON MSN haha he was clueless but we really shoot him till he had nothing to say. It was so hilarious! he kept puting him zhao pai dong zou (=.=) and we will just laugh it up. Imagine his reaction when he realise we were on the phone the whole time haha.

than there is yonghe. Don’t know whats wrong with him .. on and off he called me my nickname (way too embarassing (-.-”’))than he ask me out .. lor.. everyone is kinda weird. i still misses "him" i wonder if he is ok… seeing his blog i really wanna cry. but well.. i don’t think he even know i exist. Cara we are back to square 1 We are hopeless.. =/

Yesterday was the third day count down to my exams and guess what i did? YES! i went out to play!!!! hahaha no la.. actually i went to watch movie with my elder brother and his friends. It was his best friend patrick ’s birthday. Ihad always wondered how patrick look like so i go lor..but i also want to watch super ex-GF la. i tot got free movie in the end i pay for it =.=.. where got go out with kor kor pay urself one right? UNJUST!!!! ok that over, i pull my bestti cara to go with me.. hee =p wellllll Dear you don’t mind one la hor haha anyways.. we had a lot of fun crapping with all of them and fooling around.

It was pretty dumb though becoz cara and me ended up walking around with our notes but we never study AT ALL! haha..the movie wasn’t very good but we made up with a good steamboat dinner and watch a bunch of boys stuck in man’s body playing comat games(ahem! ahem! u all know who you are.. no names).. LOL.. it was so funny! i was really laughing like crazy.. and self-highing also haha.. Cara keep saying me.. but she also laugh lor O.o

Thanks Kor for inviting.. i hadn’t had so much fun since the preparation of exams started.. ok.. Sayonara.. gotta make up for lost time.. study time zzzzzzzzzzzzzz(-.-)

"this is to a friend of mine.. you know who you are.. i’ve been through this too but its not worth it.. please read this and think about it"

P.S to those who hurt urself and blame yourself over a relationship.. stop it.. don’t do it anymore.. love can’t be controlled

Slashes

One slash, two slash,
just one more..
one cut on another,
i hurt no more..
as the blood runs over my wrist,
my spirit soared, a moment of bliss..
to many.. i seem insane..
but i am not!
instead i feel like a saint..

—but what is this for? my dear friend
——Pain and suffering does not end
——–Nothing is solved, you should be clear!
———-the matter still stays,it doesn’t disappear.
————-so why the slashing? why the pain?
—————the scars do not mark anything!
——————only showing you are too weak
—————-to hold the truth that love has gone..
————-think about it am i wrong?

—the slashes mark you, reminding you!
—–the reasons which has brought this pain
——-binding you in devil’s way..
———"continue slashing!" than more pain
———–truelly Pointless at this state
————–so isn’t it clear to you right now?
———————–slashes are no blessings as well

"this is a poem i wrote today.. enjoy"

You Don’t know me

Laying on my bed,

i closed my eyes…

In the fog of my Dreams, You face in Light

i know you! All about you.

your likes and dislikes..

your hangout and ties..

but how ironic is my life!

i do not know you in real life…

The REAL you..

A simple Glance, tells a story..

A whisper that you want to know me

but how obvious can a girl be?

imagining in my dreams..

we have tons in common you don’t see..

but in Real life, you do not know me

Clouds shadow my path.
i flare in fiery..
i punch my way through my darkness.
i looked out for light,
but i only saw darkness.
i was swallow by it.
i was caged in..
nowhere to run.

i moan and weep.
the Lord has forsaken me.
turn away to spare looking at me.

nobody was there to hold me.
nobody was ther to talk to me
i crave for understanding.
i crave for justice.

who will judge the evil one?
who will remove me from this horror?
i do not know.
i do not see THE ONE.

"this was written during the time i got accuse at work and had a very ugly arguement with my in-charge.. there was so much anger….but well.. who gets only smiles in life right? i’m glad i got over it and moved on.. though i do still have to face her every week starting from september O.o"

as the water in the waterfall,
time flows in one direction..
it never turns back
no matter how hard you try…
the water just flows through your finger.
in one direction, never turning back

Move on move on as i’m trying to,
move on move on and remember as it was,
move on move on and leave me with the beauty of the memories.
move on move on don’t spoil it.
move on move on you’re crouching me out
move on move on you’ll find someone new..

someone new,
someone sweet,
someone who treat you well,
someone who deserves you.
than i’ll fade,
slowly, gracefully…
into your life’s shadow…

"i don’t want to comment on this as its painful to think back"